Up the Down Staircase in the Digital Age

Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer's Day?

2010-07-08T21:27:00.003-04:00

God no, NOTHING compares with summer! Aaaaaaaah scheduling to please my inner clock, planting things, baking things, cooking things, reading things, listening to things, silence when I want it, drowsy afternoons.

More later, possibly, when I have marginally recovered from June (and let me tell you, nothing is so rare).

June is Busting Out All Over

2010-06-01T12:35:00.003-04:00

Yes, I know it's been (cough) a while since I posted. Blame my boyfriend, he's way more fascinating than anyone has a right to be. Also, he lives in Oklahoma, so we have to make...uh...hay...while the sun shines. Anyone with a lead on a philosophy assistant visiting professor position in or around New York, you know where to find me.

But, hallelujah, today is the first of June. JUNE JUNE JUNE! Today is the day I traditionally begin reading Charlotte's Web. And I did. Mercifully MOST of my Criminals remembered my injunction: DO NOT USE THE WORD MOVIE IN CONNECTION WITH ANYTHING WE READ. EVER. I detest hearing "Miss Victoria! I saw the movie of that!" Most of them don't understand me when I yell "NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS MOVIE," but some do. Of course, the ones who do wouldn't do that in the first place. The eternal paradox.

As I write, there are 20 (19 1/2!) days left of this school year. The natives are restless. I'm keeping them in line with the old no-California-Pizza-Kitchen maneuver. Talk and die...or at least miss the field trip, which to a 7 year old is LIKE dying.

This time of year, teachers everywhere are looking ahead....in their minds' eyes they're planting basil and tomatoes, reading trashy novels, sleeping late, baking things, cooking things, staring at the ceiling, going to the county fair. It's the only thing that keeps them from jumping out a window, because in reality they're keeping 30 seven year olds itching to be free from killing each other, jumping in the garbage can, having a food fight, running with scissors...you get the point.

And what is so rare as a day in June!

We're Moving!

2010-03-10T20:18:00.002-05:00

The Criminals and I will henceforth be found at: http://thedownstaircase.blogspot.com

We decided we liked that name better.

I really wish...

2010-03-10T19:45:00.005-05:00

that someone who has actually BEEN in a classroom would write an article about "what we need to make teachers be better." I'm talking to YOU, New York Times.

Because frankly, what we need is:

for parents to realize that they actually do bear the responsibility for teaching their children to behave themselves and for figuring out the right consequences when they don't.

for same to realize that WE the TEACHERS are NOT reponsible for teaching their children to:

use the toilet (as opposed to peeing in their pants EVERY DAY)
use toilet paper (as opposed to spreading their waste all over themselves and the bathroom)
wash their hands
blow their noses
throw away their dirty tissues in the garbage can, not on the floor
dress themselves, including tying their shoes and pulling up their pants and zipping things - pants, coats, jackets
properly greet and say good bye to any other person
say please and thank you and you're welcome
carry on a conversation
know vocabulary they should have had at the age of two (like "share" and "red")
chew with their mouths closed
be aware that there is such a thing called an alphabet and there are such things called numbers (sorry folks, by Kindergarten no one should say "What's that?" to the teacher)

A few more rules:

If your child has a fever or is throwing up, do not send him to school. We are not overpaid babysitters. When your child is sick, YOU must make arrangements for him to be cared for AT HOME. Also, when the school nurse calls you to tell you that you must come and pick up your vomiting, miserably sick child, YOU DO NOT GET TO HANG UP ON HER.

If the teacher tells you that the child has broken a rule or done something wrong, do not stand on the playground and scream at the teacher in front of the child and all the other children. THIS MIGHT BE THE REASON THE CHILDREN THINK IT'S OKAY TO BREAK INTO SMALL GROUPS FOR MULTIPLICATION PRACTICE AND THEN DO WHATEVER THEY DAMN WELL PLEASE.

When your child comes home from school with his bookbag in tow, OPEN IT. There IS homework inside and also all those notices (surprise!) you scream you were never given.

The teacher does NOT say "Read with your child every night," because she likes to hear herself talk. MANDATORY PARENT BEHAVIOR.

just to name a smattering.

And now for the politicians:

I will refrain from telling the President of the United States to shut up, especially since I voted for him.

Most of you have never been in a classroom for more than a photo op. You have absolutely no freaking clue what we do every day. You wouldn't have the slightest idea how to teach a person to read. You think that only idiots are teachers because how hard can it be - you stand up in front of them and tell them things. Hint: This does not work.

You have no idea why tenure exists or what protections it offers society from things like its children being taught that God made the earth 4,000 years ago, and that's when the dinosaurs showed up with Adam and Eve. IN SCIENCE CLASS.

A teacher who has the 8th grade beginning ESL class of 14 year olds who just got here from a third world country and don't know their OWN alphabet let alone the English one is NOT going to garner the same test scores as the teacher who has the gifted and talented class. Standardized testing doesn't prove sh...inola about a teacher's ability, no matter how much you want it to. Last year I had the former class (in first grade). In September, not a single one read on grade level. In June, about half my class could read on grade level. This year I have a bunch of smarties, and 3/4 of my class reads 3rd grade level or above - in the second grade. It is neither my mediocrity nor my brilliance that makes this possible. It is human flipping nature.

And to the general conservative public:

Stop telling me how easy my job is. Stop telling me how great it must be to have summers off and work six hours a day. Stop saying "must be nice," and then snorting. I notice that YOU did not choose to spend your days with 25 seven year olds. I'm guessing there's a secret reason why.

I don't EVER work a six hour day, try nine at least plus weekends. It IS great to have summer vacation, because both teachers and kids damn well need it by that point. The children are DONE, and so are we.

And now, so am I.

Broken Link

2010-02-26T21:33:00.002-05:00

And just who told my student's parents they could move to a different neighborhood in the middle of the school year??

Look folks, get it straight. When you give me your kid in September, he is MINE until June. Then I give him his report card with his little handwritten note telling him why I'm proud of him and pointing out what kind of progress he made this year. THEN you get to have him back. You are not allowed to leave in February.

Okay, they are, but it drives me NUTS. What if Mohammed's new teacher doesn't see he's brilliant? What if she's still reading stupid picture books when WE are reading novels (remember Bunnicula, anyone)? What if she doesn't have any interest in building up Judeo-Muslim relations by asking questions about HIS religion and saying what's the same from HER religion?? Gah.

The snow day (yay!) today meant no real "last day" for Mohammed (boo!). His mother picked him up in the midst of the storm yesterday and asked me to come and have tea with her family after they settled in the new house. I'll go to tea, but I'll spend most of it quizzing him on his new classroom. And listen here, if I deem it unacceptable, I'm telling them they have to move back.

Animal Habitats

2010-02-17T23:17:00.001-05:00

I forgot I wrote this - happened last month lol.

I can safely say that starfish are not supposed to live in the back of a student desk.

I can safely say this because someone sneaked a live starfish into school yesterday. This morning, it was a dead starfish. A very very stinky dead starfish.

Looks like the second grade could use a few more science lessons.

It's HOW Many?

2010-01-31T11:36:00.004-05:00

This week I had an evening doctor's appointment, and as it was a late day at school I had to drive straight there (much further East on my Island) from school. This meant no time to stop and make dinner.

Now, slowly but surely I'm returning to my Oberlin Granola Crunchy roots. I stopped buying produce that isn't organic..then I read Animal, Vegetable, Miracle and Fast Food Nation and stopped buying meat except from the small organic case at the local supermarket (because uh, EW). Then I did some reading about bovine growth hormones and whoops! Milk and cheese and butter too. And then, one day last summer I was driving through the idyllic farm country of the area surrounding our little cottage on the lake and saw a small plane swooping over a field of wheat....spraying....some...was that water? Oh wait. That's...in my BREAD. And my convenient pizza dough bought at the supermarket...guess I'm getting that bread machine out and buying organic flour...and covered with organic mozzarella and...wait why am I buying organic mozzarella and making homemade pizza dough if I'm just going to pair it with Ragu? Oh look, they have organic tomato sauce too.

Well you get my point. Locavore, organivore, whatever. But everyone has emergency days when he didn't think ahead and bring a sandwich. So, yeah, I drove through McDonalds in a hurry. And I thought, "Okay, get the Happy Meal, that's for kids, it won't be nearly as bad as a grown up value meal."

Oh, Miss Victoria...you foolish mortal.

So I eat this tiny hockey puck ammonia filled cheeseburger and the miniature bag of pressed dehydrated potato french fries and drink my Diet Chemicals and go to my appointment and pick up the kid at my Mom's and return home, exhausted and...hungry. Big surprise, that (WARNING...WARNING...WARNING... TEACHER ABOUT TO USE A SWEAR WORD) crap didn't fill me up at all. Well hey, I only had a Happy Meal! Go look it up on Weight Watchers, you've probably got enough points out of the 29 you get every day to have a nice piece of whole grain toast and a little organic peanut butter and a glass of skim milk!

Go ahead, ask me how many.

Fourteen. FOURTEEN POINTS. Half the daily calorie intake of a 38 year old woman, and not a particularly skinny one either.

And they're marketing this meal. TO MY CRIMINALS. Give me five minutes in the same room with them.

But technically, it's none of my business. How do I write letters home to parents saying PLEASE DON'T FEED YOUR CHILDREN THIS TRASH THREE OR FOUR TIMES A WEEK AND DON'T BELIEVE THE UTTER BOLLOCKS THAT REPLACING THE FRIES WITH APPLES MAKES IT HEALTHY? It's fast, it's cheap, it's tasty, it's convenient. And it's creating second graders almost as tall as I am, weighing what a fifth grader should weigh.

Maybe some of the parents read my blog? I can always hope.

Portable Paradise

2010-01-28T18:52:00.004-05:00

Any day that starts off with a flat tire can't be totally heavenly, but when I finally DID get to school today, a fabulous gift awaited me.

Now, it is no secret that I am a gargantuan geek. Unless you're new here. I get all excited about visits to Staples. I squeal when I get my hands on the key to the (tiny) supply closet and can stock up on boxes of crayons. And this little gem sent me into paroxysms of delighted geekdom. It was a new listening center.

New listening center? How could this be so exciting, you say? Two words: Wireless. Headphones. The thing is, all two of you who read this blog are scratching your heads going, "Um, so?" Only another elementary school teacher is going to get the beauty of the wireless feature. Because other elementary school teachers know the torture of those damned headset wires (think phone cords) curlicueing around each other just to drive you mad. Every day a hopeless tangle greets you before center time. NO MORE I SAY. And....AND! It came with a new machine too - WITH A DOUBLE CASSETTE. One group listens to Ralph S. Mouse, stops the tape and leaves it for next time. Another group listens to The Courage of Sarah Noble, stops the tape and leaves IT for next time. Two groups are listening to Ramona the Brave, they note the track they stop on, and next time skip to their track. TADAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Oh joy oh rapture unforseen. My bliss knows no bounds.

partnersinhealth.org

2010-01-16T10:02:00.001-05:00

This charity is run by Dr. Paul Farmer, a dedicated champion of public health issues in Haiti. See the website for how to donate.

A Well-Rounded Education

2010-01-12T19:11:00.004-05:00

So, one of my boys came in yesterday morning, and it happened to be his turn to share during Morning Meeting. He decided to tell about how much fun he had doing yoga with his mom. Now, if you knew....DeShawn, we'll call him....the idea of him doing yoga with his mom would make you look fairly like a surprised walrus. Mouth hanging open and everything. Then again, DeShawn's mom is no dope, so maybe she decided to let him expend a little energy by working on his inner peace. Or something.

So the rest of the class is all "What's yoga?" Well groovy, Miss Victoria knows that! She hopped up and demonstrated Down Dog. Then everyone else really needed to try it. 24 little butts up in the air. They all stood up and grinned and started to squeal, so Miss Victoria said, "Hey, hold it everyone! Now you've got to salute your teacher, that's what you do at the end of doing yoga!" I skipped the whole Divine Spark thing - they're seven. So I just tented my hands and bowed and said, "Namaste...now you do it." And they all bowed back and chorused, "Namaste! MISS VICTORIA CAN WE DO SOME MORE OF THAT?!?!?!" Hey, Miss Victoria is all for anything that relaxes the Criminals.

Thus, for our Morning Meeting today (the activity portion), I printed out the poses, we spread out and got all ready to learn the Sun Salutation. We're looking like a whole lotta Twister and not too much spiritual uplift, but whatever, we're having a good time. We finish up back in Mountain pose, and Miss Victoria drops her hands and starts yammering about the morning message. Everyone starts to jump up and down and squeak. Miss Victoria stops and says, "What, what is it?"

And the whole class simultaneously tents its hands, bows, and twenty four little helium voices pipe, "Namaste, Miss Victoria! YOU FORGOT!!!!!!!"

Clue for the uninitiated: They were way more excited that I forgot something than they were that they remembered. Such is life when one is supposed to be all-knowing.

We Shall Overcome

2010-01-12T00:11:00.003-05:00

Monday is Introduce New Scholastic Magazine Center day. This morning I held up the magazine for this week, and the entire class cried "Ooooooo!!!" and pointed and cheered. Then they shouted and chattered and offered up their knowledge:

"He changed the world!"

"He wanted peace!"

"He said little black boys and little white girls could play together!"

And that was BEFORE we read the magazine. Happens every year - the littlest ones are the most profoundly affected by this unit. They totally get a man with a sense of fair and unfair, right and wrong.

Mr. King, we shall overcome. Your legacy lives on.

Brains AND Brawn

2010-01-11T20:41:00.002-05:00

Hm, I got the latest Scholastic catalogue today, and it's a conglomeration of "favorite authors." Their publicity shots line the front of the catalogue.

Is it at all twisted that I think Kevin Henkes, author of some of my favorite read-alouds (Wemberly Worried, Lily's Purple Plastic Purse, Chrysanthemum) is um....well...HAWT? Seriously. Remember the architect in Mystic Pizza? Yum. Kinda like him.

Don't tell the Criminals.

Just Say No

2010-01-10T15:24:00.002-05:00

To sewing handpuppets for the middle school health project. It makes you think of disturbing things to do with vintage buttons. Here are the two interventionist friends of the junkie (yet to be sewn because apparently we do not own a green sock of the correct shade...yes Virginia, you will go out and buy a pair of socks in order to lose one on purpose...because that's a twelve year old):

The End of a Long Day

2010-01-07T19:42:00.004-05:00

So the Criminals and I are reading Stuart Little. For some reason, geniuses though they ALL are of course (stop laughing and pointing, I know perfectly well no one believes that), they can't seem to grasp that "Little" is Stuart's last name. They keep raising their hands and piping, "Miss Victoria, only Stuart's little, how come Mr. White calls them ALL little??" I explain. Again. And we move on. Until tomorrow. And the same question. Oh well, it happens.

Anyway, that's so not the point. The POINT is that I came here to be all gaga over the shrimp "fried" rice I made tonight. I looked at the stuff in the restaurant and thought...yanno...I could do this better. With ingredients that don't make me wonder what I'm eating (we are big fans of organic anything and everything at Teach's house). And, lo and behold, I could!

Vacation Heebie-Jeebies

2009-12-31T22:50:00.003-05:00

Exactly how geeky is it that I'm all excited to go to the craft store tomorrow and buy wool for my next knitting project?

Yep, thought so. However, at least now I don't have to feel left out come holiday season. My wonderful singer friends (teaching is my second career, the first was opera singing) frequently arrange a holiday knitting drive for my Criminals. I can't boast of being as talented as they are. The hats and mittens and scarves that come to my school are beautifully crafted with cunning little ruffles and trim and roses and beyond. Mine won't be as fancy, but hey, warm is warm!

It's Katherine's Fault

2009-12-30T13:48:00.002-05:00

She gave me an excuse for having a digital camera. I am now plus one Samsung SL620 (12.2 MP) and minus a gift card...or two. It's plugged in, charging, and I'm itching to get at it. God help me if her excuse for owning a sewing machine coincides with another gift card.

Digital Age? Really Miss Victoria?

2009-12-29T12:03:00.002-05:00

Okay, I admit it, I'm a frustrated gadget-o-phile. I drool over websites full of digital cameras (my cellphone camera just doesn't do the trick), sewing machines, cellphones, iPods and charger/speaker docks, 11 cup food processors...for someone committed to teaching the younger generation to value experiences over acquisitions, I sure want an awful lot of stuff.

Ahem. Physician, heal thyself, yeah I know. I can sort of justify the digital camera...(wouldn't it be great to be able to take really terrific pictures of my classroom...and...my....cakes?)....and....the sewing machine....(just think of all the cute/useful/nifty things I could make for my classroom and Criminals!)...and...yeah. That's about it.

Good thing I don't use credit cards. I'd work myself into some serious debt in five seconds.

A Mother's Love

2009-12-26T13:15:00.002-05:00

I just pulled my kid's baby tooth out. Shudder. Not a bed of roses all the time, this motherhood thing.

On the other hand, she's a big fan of the Yorkshire Pudding I made yesterday - has so far eaten it for dinner last night, breakfast this morning and lunch this afternoon.

She gets on these tears.

God Bless Us, Every One!

2009-12-25T13:36:00.002-05:00

Of course, in the midst of the cooking whirl (standing rib roast, roasted potatoes, yorkshire pudding - all courtesy The Goddess Nigella - creamed spinach, parker house rolls, and for dessert homemade butterscotch and hot fudge sauces with vanilla ice cream - courtesy of smittenkitchen.com, thanks Deb!) I remembered that I wanted to post about our finishing up A Christmas Carol on the last day before break.

I've been reading it to the Criminals for about a week and a half (it's not very long) in abridged version and showing them the old Mr. Magoo movie of it bit by bit (each chapter before we read it aloud. It's new on my list this year, so of course I had that hesitation. Will they get it? I'm of the opinion that if you teach it right, they'll get it most of the time. Hence my decision to show the movie in installments, even though in general I shy away from showing movies. This one, though, was for academic reasons, so I went with it.

I was considering whether or not to continue on the third day, when I got the signal I needed. I finished reading the portion for the day and heard the "AUGH!" of frustration from the class - they wanted to hear more. So we proceeded on.

On Wednesday we saw the end of the movie - from the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come to Tiny Tim's "God bless us, every one!" As the credits rolled one of the Criminals said to another, "BEST Christmas movie EVER!"

Then we began reading, and halfway through the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come part, I put the book down and - taking a chance - said, "Who is this, this spirit?"

Adam raised his hand first, and when I called on him, said soberly..."It's..the Grim Reaper." I squee-ed inside and said, "And..who's that?"

He looked almost stricken with concern and nodded seriously at me. "It's Death, Ms. Victoria, Death's coming."

God DAMN I freaking LOVE smart kids.

God bless us, every one!

Let It Snow

2009-12-21T09:58:00.002-05:00

I love when it snows 26 inches, and every school district in the tristate area closes EXCEPT the DOE. Oh well, closed or not, my drive it too long to risk it, and anyway I'm down with a massive sinus infection. It's never good when the doctor looks in your nose and says, "Holy sinus infection Batman!"

Being home in this kind of weather begs for pottering in the kitchen, so instead of teaching reading I'm making butterscotch sauce (courtesy of my favorite blog ever, smittenkitchen.com) and orange almond biscotti (courtesy of same). Also 3 1/2 pounds of Union Square Cafe bar nuts. All my giftees are getting lucky this year.

The Criminals are too strung out to do much work anyway - the experienced teacher knows the moment at which she has to slow down and expect less. For us, it was last Wednesday. We went on a field trip to the Native American Museum - field trips that close to a holiday make students think school is officially over. Thus, for the last few days I have interspersed the serious learning with holiday word searches and the like. It's nice to have a class this year that doesn't circle UTIEPQ and say, "I'm done!"

Two days to liftoff (AKA vacation), wish us luck.

Butter Up

2009-11-28T10:21:00.002-05:00

24 baby food jars half full of heavy cream and salt.

24 seven year olds shouting and wiggling, dancing and giggling.

24,000 little spatters of heavy cream everywhere.

24 little pats of butter to take home for Thanksgiving.

0 nervous breakdowns.

Priceless.

Long Vowel Logistics

2009-11-14T14:31:00.001-05:00

The Criminals are supposed to write me a note if they get to a learning center and there are no response sheets left. They let me know they need more, I make the copies, problem solved.

Except this week I got this note:

"Dear Miss Victoria, We need more Opposites Games shits. We needs lots of shites. Blue Group"

Hm, this week, review long e spellings.

FAIL

2009-11-10T13:51:00.001-05:00

Okay, so my own kid has swine flu - no NaBloPoMo for me! She's hanging in with a very high fever and lousy cough. Stay tuned for a return to normal life.

The Next Van Gogh

2009-11-05T21:45:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I'm doing writing conferences, and I look up to see one of my boys working industriously, nay frantically, in his blue writer's notebook.

Intrigued, I say "Wow Oscar! You really must have a good story going there, let me see it!"

Reluctantly he walks over and hands me his book.

He has been working absorbedly on...

drawing boobies.

And We Proceeded On

2009-10-27T21:09:00.002-04:00

We finished Rikki Tikki Tavi last Thursday, and then the next day came the horrible realization that there was NO MORE STORY. Hey. Wait a minute Miss Victoria. We were being ENTERTAINED by that. We're not going back to dumb picture books.

Yeah, little munchkins, your brains are MINE now.

So, naturally, one bright young man raises his hand and says suspiciously, "Hey. That book is really big."

Miss Victoria nods cheerfully, "Yep, it is."

Another bright young thing raises HER hand, "And hey. Rikki Tikki Tavi wasn't THAT long."

Miss Victoria shrugs nonchalantly, taking up slack in the line, reeling in, "No, well I told you guys there were other stories in The Jungle Book. The Mowgli stories, remember?"

Comments bubble from my wolf pack, "Well...aren't we going to READ those?"

Miss Victoria looks doubtful, "Weeeelllll I dunno you guys....those stories are kind of hard...are you SURE?"

Class: Uh, YES?!

So I told them I'd read the first few pages of the first story, Mowgli and his Brothers and they could decide if they wanted to keep going. Eight pages later, "Do you think you want to hear the rest?"

Class: Uh, YES?!

Yeah. Thought so, wolf cubs.

The strength of the pack is the wolf
And the strength of the wolf is the pack.

Help Help, It's a Horrible Heffalump!

2009-10-21T17:44:00.003-04:00

Not so horrible, but yes, it was actually an elephant. Pardon the cellphone photo. And the desk mess.

2009-10-19T20:18:00.001-04:00

Today one of my students said, "Miss Victoria, do you like elephants? I got you a present."

I'm a little worried. My apartment is definitely not big enough.

Twas the Night Before...

2009-10-18T21:56:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow we begin one of the favorites of my year, Rikki Tikki Tavi. I seriously am sitting up in bed having a hard time going to sleep...because I'm so freaking excited to read this story to the Criminals.

Big Golden L for LOSER flashing on my forehead.

The Marvels of Mapquest

2009-10-18T11:12:00.004-04:00

On Friday I introduced our mapping unit by reading As the Crow Flies aloud and then modelling how each member of the class could create his own map of the route to school from his house.

I demonstrated how to draw a street and showed several buildings one might pass on the way, including a church. Since half of my class is Muslim, I also included a mosque. Someone called out, "What's a mosque?" I turned to my class and gestured to them, "Someone tell us, what's a mosque?"

Blank stares.

I quirked my brow...turned and drew a crescent on the round dome of the "mosque." Turned back and asked again, "What's a mosque?"

One of my girls (Muslim) snapped her fingers in recognition. "Oh! It's a banana store!"

Class, including teacher, dissolved into hysterical laughter.

So much for my artistic abilities.

ABBA Live

2009-10-08T21:50:00.002-04:00

Overheard in the cafeteria at first grade lunch:

Six year old checking out her taco and singing to herself under her breath: "There was something in the aiiiir that niiiight the staaaars were briiiight FerNANDOOOOOO."

In answer to your question, yes, I died from this.

You Can Call Me Call Me Anytime

2009-10-03T20:01:00.005-04:00

Here's the thing, when one is teaching addition facts to the second grade, one really doesn't expect to hear the jingling of a cellphone. One would be foolish to not expect the unexpected.

Yes, last week during my math lesson, I was rather startled to hear a cellphone going off...from Shanique's pocket. She's pretty small for the second grade. This made it seem even more ludicrous that she was carrying around a cellphone. My raised eyebrow look made her start to talk..."That's probably my auntie."

"Your auntie doesn't need to talk to you in the middle of math, may I have that please?"

She handed it over, I turned the volume to vibrate and left it on my desk. It vibrated a bit later in the day, and I ignored it. At the end of the day we proceeded to the auditorium and met up with my AP, who naturally asked Shanique why she had a cellphone. Things became clearer when her brother, who's in the fourth grade, strode across the lobby...talking on his cellphone. Same question posed to him. "My Mom needs to know we got back to the shelter safe."

Oh.

AP and I looked at each other and shared a mental "goddammit we can't do anything to help here," sigh. AP said, "Okay, you can keep them, but Shanique, you need to give yours to Miss V. at the beginning of every day and get it back at the end, and Darnell, YOU need to let Mrs S. know you have it, and if it rings in class, it belongs to her." And we watched the nine year old take his seven year old sister out the door to walk her "home."

Some days it doesn't seem to matter that I can teach people to read.

Haute Cuisine

2009-09-24T18:28:00.003-04:00

Apparently, federally funded food is not as lousy as I thought it was.

Whilst strolling through the cafeteria on my way back from my prep, I spied Harold, a first grader who spent all of Kindergarten eating. His pencils, his erasers, his crayons, everyone else's pencils and erasers and crayons, his belt, his books, various other things which do not bear repeating at the dinner hour, you name it, it went in to his mouth. He also has a pronounced helium voice (sort of like Froggy in those old "Our Gang" shows), and he would randomly get up and take a jog out the classroom door and down the hall to visit other classrooms.

But, since last year, Harold's come a long way. I saw him sitting nicely today eating actual food at the lunch table. I admit it, since he is not my student, I am free to be under the spell of his cuteness. I meandered over to see what was on Harold's mind these days. It went like this:

Teacher: Heyyyy Harold, how's it going?

Harold: Fiiiiiiiiiiiine!

Teacher: What's for lunch?

Harold: Fish sticks!

Teacher: Oh yeah? Are they good?

Harold: (sly grin and narrowed eyes) They're better than YOU are!

Guess I know where I am on Harold's totem pole.

Through the Looking Glass

2009-09-22T19:20:00.004-04:00

Another day on which I feel obligated to get down on my knees and thank whomever you like to worship that my administrators are competent, caring people. It is so rare that a teacher is able to say that, I think. I certainly was NOT able to say that about my last school.

For everyone's reference, when writing here I refer to my Principal as Florence (short for Florence Nightingale) and my Assistant Principal as Clara (short for, you guessed it, Clara Barton). They are, no joke, angels of mercy. Things run smoothly at my school. There are no screaming matches in the lobby between the principal and parents. We don't arrive for a PD day and wonder what we're supposed to do. We get our class lists for next year in June, not on the first day of school in September. We have a testing calendar and know when everything is happening. We don't get told to "do something happy," for September 11th. We get help with students who are totally disrupting the classroom - whether they are just upset and need a break or violent and dangerous to the other children. It's not "good luck with that," it's "I'm on my way, hang on till I get there." And then in sixty seconds, they ACTUALLY SHOW UP.

You think I'm kidding, don't you. I'm not. Just as a for instance, last year I had the beginning ESL first grade class - 20 of my 25 spoke little or no English. One little girl, we'll call her Shrieky, arrived from foreign parts three days before school started. Never having been to school before, she was convinced her parents had brought her there and left her for good. Then she got hot, as it was still summer. Well, what does one do in a tiny remote village when one gets hot? Yes, you guessed it, I looked up from a group of children I was helping with an art project to see a little pair of yellow underpants whizzing by. Her dress was draped over the back of her chair. She and her underpants were on their way to the bathroom.

When she tripped in the cafeteria that afternoon, she started to cry. She cried all day. She cried, screamed, and swiped at the tears and snot running down her face. She cried at the nurse's office. She cried in the classroom. Remember that Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle story where the little girl washes away on a sea of her own tears? We came close. I sang her songs, I let her sit next to me in the listening area, I soothed her with the three words I knew in her language, all to no avail. Down came the AP, out went Shrieky. Nothing - NOTHING - disturbs instruction. Every single time she started to get weepy, someone took her out.

It's my third year at this school, and I still occasionally feel like Alice in Wonderland. I'll gladly stay down the rabbit hole.

Oh Columbia the Gem of the Ocean (2007)

2009-09-21T21:49:00.005-04:00

Today I gave a Social Studies quiz. Perhaps a mistake on a Monday. Perhaps a mistake any day. I did send a review sheet home, but there seems to have been a mixup somewhere along the way.

For the record, here are the true facts of history (answers all given on the same student's quiz...s/he of course, shall remain nameless to protect the uh...well, to protect everyone).

1. Who was the first President of the United States?

Apron Hand Chicken

2. Who was the sixteenth President of the United States?

Apron Hand Chicken

3. Who is the current President of the United States?

Apron Hand Chicken

4. Who is the Governor of New York State?

Apron Hand Chicken

5. What are the five boroughs of New York City?

New York, Florida, China, Africa, and North American Idol

Possibly this individual needs a review and a make-up quiz. Possibly that would be a useless endeavor. Points if you can post who Apron Hand Chicken is supposed to be.

Dear Sir (2007)

2009-09-21T21:46:00.002-04:00

Okay, so the Criminals are working on writing persuasive letters. They were told that a persuasive letter must have a goal and must include at least three reasons why the writer should obtain his goal.

Here, for your reading pleasure, is one of the finer examples, written to the Criminal's brother, whose nickname is Macho:

Dear Macho:

My name is John Perez* and I am your brother.

I would like you to stop farting in my bedroom.

I would like you to stop farting in my bedroom because it smells awful. Also, you always get in trouble for it. And finally, when you do it, I always have to go and get the Febreze.

Sincerely,

John Perez

Well, I think it deserves an A.

*name changed to protect the innocent

Charlotte WHAT? (2005)

2009-09-21T21:43:00.003-04:00

So today we finished reading aloud Charlotte's Web. The Criminals have been glued to the rug every morning for our chapter and had begun begging for another chapter in the afternoon, so on the final day I obliged with the last TWO chapters in the afternoon. For days, we've been reading and talking and asking questions like, "Miss Victoria, what's manure? Miss Victoria, what's a fair? What's a barn swallow? How come the little girl takes care of the pig? She live on a farm? What that broken egg smell like, poo? Ha ha Miss Victoria that so funny!" Insert twenty little helium laughs here. In the chapter where, "the geese cheered," every two seconds, the Criminals cheered too.

Today though, you pretty much could've heard a pin drop, except when they were yelling "MISS VICTORIA WHAT'S A MAGNUM OPUS???" before I could get to Wilbur asking the same question. Charlotte explains everything just like Miss Victoria does, except she doesn't yell "STOP SHOUTING!" first.

And then they began to look suspicious when Charlotte seemed to be tired a LOT lately. And then Wilbur and Templeton packed up the egg sac and went home without Charlotte. And then, just as E. B. White says in the book...Charlotte died.

You would've thought I had killed these childrens' own mothers. Hot glares, shaking fingers, "Noooo no no bad Miss Victoria!" And Miss Victoria, wiping her own tears, said, "Well, it was Charlotte's time. But let's see what happens next."

And, God was in His heaven, all was right with the world: The baby spiders began to appear. After the first set, there was cautious applause. Then louder after the next, and when all 514 arrived, a thunderous ovation. The thunderous ovation continued intermittently until the very last sentence of the book.

Mr. White, I hope you were listening. In case you missed it, Stuart Little starts tomorrow.

Elephant Walk

2009-09-21T21:40:00.001-04:00

The Circus, mind you, is more than three hours long. No one has an easy time sitting for that long - but especially not a bunch of six year olds. So when it got to be 1:00, and they were really starting to fidget and whine, my Assistant Principal mercifully informed me that the buses were waiting. It was time to go, even though the show wasn't over yet. The elephants had just entered the ring.

The elephants were standing on little tubs as we filed past them, lifting one foot up into the air, balancing on each other's backs, waving feet at the audience, and I figured the Criminals would really like that. They were, however, only mildly interested.Then, just as we all were completely ringside, the biggest elephant dropped the, uh, ball. A huge, enormous, gigantic, incredibly impressive ball of poop.

My class "star'd with wild surmise, silent upon a peak in"...well, not Darien. The Bronx. Then in unison they raised their arms above their heads and yelled:

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!"

And we, like Lewis and Clark, proceeded on, satisfied that there could be no more exciting finale to our day at the Circus.

Or the Evil Clowns will Eat Me (2005)

2009-09-21T21:32:00.003-04:00

So yesterday the Criminals and I went to the UniverSOUL Circus. I will gloss over the fact that my school sent us to a Christian event (I kept waiting for the ringmaster to ask me to "give a shout out to" my synagogue...but he didn't. wonder why?), and concentrate on the Criminals' reactions to their first circus. Nary a one had been before, so they kept shaking their little fingers at me and saying "Noooooooo, Miss Victoria!" when I told them there'd be people flying through the air. They were pretty damned impressed with Miss Victoria when everything she said turned out to be true.

This year I've got Bradlee. He's six. He doesn't talk. Ever - well, almost ever. Bradlee has what's called selective mutism. He wouldn't talk to his Kindergarten teacher or classmates last year, he won't talk to any of the administrators or lunch ladies or guidance counselors or social workers. He will, however, talk to me. I'm not sure why - maybe because I'm okay with him if he doesn't want to talk? Every once in a while he comes over and grabs me around the knees and yells "PENCIL!" or "DOGGIE!" That means he wants the doggie book he likes. But usually, he's silent.

However, yesterday at the circus, Bradlee suddenly became positively loquacious. We got off the bus, we lined up, he took his place at the front of the line (of COURSE he's the smallest one in my class), he took one look at the circus advertisements outside the tent, glared up at me and yelled:

"I HATE CLOWNS!!!!!!!!"

There were, of course, about twenty five people from the circus standing around. They all looked at me like it was MY fault the boy has perfectly good sense!

So I mildly said, "you DO?"

He yelled "YES, I HATE THEM! I HATE CLOWNS! CLOWNS ARE STUPID!"

So then, of course, everyone else in my class (they all love Bradlee) felt the necessity to support him in his vehemence. They were all pretty surprised that he talked, but they were damned if they were going to let him stand alone.

Criminals: ME TOO! I HATE CLOWNS! CLOWNS ARE SO BORING! I HATE CLOWNS!

Teacher: (quietly to class) okay okay everyone, come on let's stay in line and go sit down

Criminals: MISS VICTORIA CLOWNS ARE STUPID! WE HATE THEM!

Teacher (watching all the circus employees glare) okay okay but look! They have lions and popcorn and funnel cake too!

Criminals: Oh! Okay! But CLOWNS ARE DUMB!

Well...at least they didn't refuse to go to their seats. Next time: The Tale of the Elephant Poop.

Ding Dong TOK, Nag is Dead! (2005)

2009-09-21T21:28:00.004-04:00

This week I read the Criminals Rudyard Kipling's great short story, Rikki-Tikki-Tavi. If you don't know the story, it's about a little mongoose named Rikki-Tikki-Tavi who kills two cobras named Nag and Nagaina in order to save the family with whom he lives.The story is so brilliantly written that it's a pleasure to read to any child, even children with a very limited vocabulary and little frame of reference for this kind of material. They were glued to the carpet each time I read, chewing their nails as Rikki caroled his war-cry, "Rikk-tikk-tikki-tikki-tchahhh!" and they begged to finish the story today.

But I had to go to a meeting in the morning, and they all complained vociferously. "Miss Victoria! We need to read Rikki-Tikki-Tavi! Where are you GOING?" I said I was sorry, but they were very grumpy about the whole thing. I said I'd read to them after lunch if they didn't keep up the grumpy bad manners. They all very quickly smiled politely and said yes certainly they would be delighted to bide until after lunch and did I need help with that door on my way out?

After lunch we settled down to continue the story, but it's a short time between lunch and their specials time when Ms. Meehan comes to teach theatre arts (and Miss Victoria gets a break). Just as Miss Victoria and Rikki reached the veranda where Nagaina was holding the whole family hostage and getting ready to bite Teddy, the little boy, and Miss Victoria and Rikki snarled, "Turn around, Nagaina! Turn and fight!"...Ms. Meehan walked into the room.

"AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!" cried the Criminals, to a man, Charlie Brown come to life. Miss Victoria smiled sweetly, closed the book, and said, "We'll finish the story after Ms. Meehan is gone," and put the book down. With many dark looks, the Criminals shuffled to their desks to be entertained with Little Rabbit Foo-foo and the like (Ms. Meehan has not heard of the story Rikki-Tikki-Tavi, therefore she is rendered useless to my brood).

I came back to shouts of, "Miss Victoria! Can we finish the story now?!?!" and settled down to read the end. Nagaina and the one egg she had left met their end, Rikki emerged triumphant from the snake hole, and Darzee the bird sang his chant of triumph. Everyone clapped wildly, and we sat down to color a picture of a mongoose to end our week. What a ride.

School Days, School Days...(2005)

2009-09-21T21:22:00.002-04:00

It's the sixth day of school, and Miss Victoria has - fortunately or unfortunately - gotten a reputation for being "good with" the "difficult children." Thus, every single one of them ended up in her band of Criminals this year. I have the nine year old first grader, the little boy whose Mom was addicted to crack when she was pregnant with him, the child who did not utter a word last year in Kindergarten, and the one - we'll call her Towanda - who sings at the top of her lungs for a few hours every day and hisses at me (a la cat, not a la snake) when I tell her she has to follow the rules. Towanda likes me though, and yesterday she leaned on me while we were practicing standing in line to go to the bathroom (we hadn't actually MADE it to the bathroom yet, and it was a dicey game trying to gauge how long I could make the Criminal element practice before it collectively wet its pants). Anyway, she leaned on me and muttered, "Aaaannnnnh, what's up, Doc?" I told her I had no carrots and she should show me excellent standing up straight.

Anyway, there we all are, and Miss Victoria says, "Okay, WITHOUT TALKING, everyone stand up....nope, sit down, you started to talk....WITHOUT TALKING...everyone stand up....sit down again, you started to talk....etc...etc..."

I kid you not. Eight times, we stood, got in line, started to punch each other and yell, and sat down. Four times we walked out into the hallway, started to jump, run, and yell, came back, and sat down. We were very very pissed off at Miss Victoria. We were half an hour late to lunch. But we got there. Quietly.

Towanda, however, wasn't having a good day. She sang more than her allotted three hours, put up her dukes when I told her to sit down, and finally - after we had practiced standing up to get on line for the afternoon bathroom break about thirty times (to no avail: we had to sit down again thirty times), she sat and refused to stand up again.

I got everyone else out into the hall just as the science teacher arrived - he took them to the bathroom, and I went in to deal with Towanda. Towanda was banging her head against the desk and looking annoyed (not surprising - I'd be annoyed if my head hurt that much). She yelled, "I'M TRYING REALLY HARD...BUT I MADE A DISGRACE."

Well that did it for me. Someone who is five years old and can use the word "disgrace" in a sentence gets my full attention. So I sat her down and we had a Talk. I told her a secret. I told her I liked her. She found that interesting. She found it so interesting that she was able to walk out and join the line and go successfully to the bathroom.

Yep, I like Towanda.

Her Name was Annabelle Lee (2005)

2009-09-21T20:22:00.002-04:00

Okay so, remember Annabelle, the girl who's fast with the scissors? She is SO happy she has a job. She tells me so every day. On Wednesday, she told me so by launching herself at me on the stairs, clinging to me and screaming "I LOVE YOU MISS VICTORIA!" as I stumbled and crashed down four steps. I felt something in my foot go CRACK, and lay there, dazed, while the security officer helped me up and all the other Criminals looked appalled and hissed "ANNABELLE!!!"

She stood there all alone, bottom lip quivering, tears welling in her eyes, and she said, "Miss Victoria, it was an ACCIDENT!" Even though I was ready to kill her from the pain, I couldn't yell at her. I said, "I know Annabelle. Next time be more careful," and we went on to go outside and home for the day (thank GOD).

So that night after a trip to the emergency room when the pain got pretty bad, I came home with Vicodin and a broken toe.

Next morning, we all sit down on the rug and I say, "Guess WHAT? Miss Victoria broke her toe! It's all purple and green and blue!"

Criminals: Ooooooo can we SEE IT?

Teacher: Well no, I don't want to take my shoe off right now.

Hazel: Well where is it?

Teacher: Um...it's on my foot. Your toes are on your feet, you guys know that.(Criminals look confused)

Indira: But you said it was BROKEN!

Teacher: Oh. Right. It broke, but it didn't break OFF.(Criminals look disappointed)

Indira: (sighing) Oh.

Next time I'll see if I can actually LOSE a body part. This, it seems, was the excitement they were looking for.

Get A Job (2005)

2009-09-21T20:19:00.001-04:00

So after lunch today, everybody was walking nicely two-by-two in line discussing the beef patties and how they'd rather have PB&J, and we get back to our room to see that Miss Victoria has changed the Jobs Chart.

A Job Chart, for those uninitiated amongst you, is a hanging thing with pockets (more generally known, imagine our shock, as a pocket chart) and cards with little pictures of cartoon children emptying the trash and feeding the pets (various and sundry well-fed mice who live in the radiators not included). If you are particularly well-behaved and responsible, you get to have a job. EVERYONE wants a job. I can't make up enough jobs to go around. One individual in particular, we'll call her Annabelle, REALLY wants a job. Problem is, Annabelle is like the Holy Roman Empire in the responsibility and behaving area: neither Holy, nor Roman, nor an Empire.

Every day Annabelle yells, "MISS VICTORIA I WANT A JOB PLEASE C'N I HAVE A JOB I REALLY WANT A JOB," as she careens through the room grabbing crayons and coloring on the nearest person. The other day I had to explain to Marcel's parents why his eyebrows looked funny. He and Annabelle had decided to try cutting them with the "safety" scissors (safety scissors - that's a laugh). Annabelle is, to say the least...in the most child-friendly way..., a very tactile learner.

So today she sees that she is, yet again, not on the Job Chart. She yells, "MISS VICTORIA I WANT A JOB PLEASE C'N I HAVE A JOB I REALLY WANT A JOB," and once again I gently explain to her why she can't have a job.She loses it.She throws herself on the floor, sobbing and screaming, "I WOULD WORK SO HARD ON MY JOB PLEASE LET ME HAVE A JOB PLEASE MISS VICTORIA PLEASE."

I say soothingly, "Okay, okay, stop crying...we WILL find you a job."So there I am frantically trying to come up with something she can do without actually being responsible for anything in the classroom or being allowed to roam freely near, well, anything.

Suddenly, I have it. I go to my personal cabinet, open it, and extract my hairbrush.

Teacher: Okay Annabelle, here is your job. You are responsible for making sure Miss Victoria's hair ALWAYS looks PERFECT.

Stunned silence.

Big round eyes.

Gulp.

Awed stare.

Annabelle: I'm gonna DO YOUR HAIR????

Teacher: That's right, for five minutes every day before Ms. G comes to teach Character Education, you make sure Miss Victoria's hair looks good.

Big breath, puffed up chest, squared shoulders.

Annabelle: Okay, Miss Victoria, I'll do it!

Boy, am I gonna look like a diva, or what?

Owl Correspondence (2003)

2009-09-21T20:15:00.001-04:00

So I'm doing a unit on non-fiction with the criminals, and we're talking about an article on owls from a magazine called "Your Big Backyard"

Now, in case you didn't know, owls swallow their prey/food whole and regurgitate all the parts they can't digest in a small pellet (my Mom's question..."So owls never poop?"...good thing the first grade didn't think of that).

Well, I laid that on the first grade, and there was a stunned and awed silence. Then:

Cynthia: Miss Victoria....owls throw up every DAY?

Teacher: Well...it's not exactly throwing up...

Class: Yes it is!!! Owls throw up all the time!

Then it got even more interesting - the science cluster teacher at my school actually owns an owl pellet. She brought it in for them to look at last period, and I couldn't get them to go home. Excited cries of "eeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuwwwwwwww!!!" reigned supreme, and forget coming to get your homework folder while you were examining a little leftover beak and feet from the bird the owl had caught.

So I finally got them packed up and into their big puffy coats, hats, scarves, mittens....at the end of the day I look like I'm leading an army of miniature Sta-Puff Marshmallow Men through the hall...and I take them outside to meet up with their parents.Cynthia goes running up to her mother and shouts, "MOM! DID YOU KNOW OWLS THROW UP ALL THE TIME???"

Her mother looks at me like, "Um, what are you teaching my kid?"

I smile weakly, say "Have a nice weekend," and get my ass outta there.

The Ants Go Marching (2003)

2009-09-21T20:13:00.000-04:00

So I'm trying to get the Criminals settled down for reading today, and I notice Luis' math tool kit sitting open on his desk, his empty pencil basket beside it. Each child in my room has a basket to himself for his bits and bobs, or there is unrest amongst the natives on the subject of pencil ownership. However, I digress. Thinking that the tool kit full of plastic pennies, dice, cards (this is a first grade math tool kit, not a gambler's tool kit) will shortly be all over the floor, I pick up the bag and attempt to place it inside the (almost) empty basket. The other three children at the table simultaneously scream:

Table 4: MISS VICTORIA! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Teacher: What's the problem?

Table 4: (pointing to basket) Look!

Whereupon I notice a small ant making its way slowly across the floor of the basket. I look at the group, waiting for an explanation. I get it.

Destiny: It's his pet.

Teacher: Luis has a pet ant?

Destiny: Uhhuh for like two DAYS Miss Victoria

Teacher: I see. He's going to die if he doesn't get something to eat.

Penelope: (rolling eyes) Miss Victoria, it's a SHE.

Destiny: She's a princess.

Teacher: Oh. Well she's going to die if she doesn't get something to eat.

Penelope: (rolling eyes) Her NAME is Sabrina.

Javier: Do you have anything to feed her?

Teacher: How about if we put her up in the plant and she eats from there?

Penelope: She doesn't like leaves.

Teacher: Well I'm sure there are other things to eat in there, and then Luis could use his basket for his pencils.

Involved miniature parties: OKAY!

God help me if I didn't find myself hauling out my stepladder to climb up and dump this damn ant into the philodendron so he...excuse me, HER ROYAL FREAKING HIGHNESS, could get a decent meal. The Criminals all milled around the bottom of the stepladder, much like ants themselves, anxiously watching to make sure I deposited her safely into her new home.

Children: "Did she make it? Is she okay?"

Teacher: Yes, she's fine. Luis, can you put your tool kit in your basket please?

Luis: I can now.

It's a WHAT? (2004)

2009-09-21T20:08:00.004-04:00

For those of you who do NOT have children in the NYC public schools, this week was the dreaded ELA test for third and fourth graders. ELA is eduspeak for English Language Arts.Thus, the school had to be QUIET....QUIET DAMMIT!!!! And thus, off went the first grade to field trips for two days straight. The Criminals thought they had died and gone to heaven...and by the way Miss Victoria could they eat their snacks on the bus?

I will gloss over the fact that for the whole rest of the year the asswipe principal can't get her shit together and insist on teaching children the necessity for quiet. No discipline at the top means no discipline at the bottom. Or, as my teacher friend says, "Shit Floweth Downward." Hence the reason we have to actually be sent out of the building to make it tolerable for the testing grades.

Moving right along, on our first day we went to the Children's Science Center in Queens. After a public address announcement which went something like (exactly like) this, "ALL TEACHERS ON THE SECOND FLOOR NOT TESTING, THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING. LEAVE THE FLOOR IMMEDIATELY OR YOU WILL BE JUDGED INSUBORDINATE." Pleasant workplace atmosphere, no?

We sat in the auditorium for an hour waiting for the buses. You can imagine how well that went over with 20 antsy first graders. Anyway, we did finally get on the road after Miss Victoria personally fastened 21 individuals into their seatbelts. She left her own off in hopes that she could take the easy way out and die in a bus crash.

Below, a sampling of our "noticings." <-- another eduspeak word:

MISS VICTORIA LOOK A TRUCK! yes I see the truck.

MISS VICTORIA LOOK A DOG! yes I see the dog

MISS VICTORIA LOOK THE OCEAN! well, actually the Harlem River

MISS VICTORIA LOOK LOTS OF CARS! yes, trust me, I see the traffic jam on the Deegan in which we are about to take part.

So after Miss Victoria had gotten whiplash looking at everything, she got up to give a running commentary on the flora, fauna, and local sights. Everyone was pretty agreeable and listened without yelling...too much.We then arrived at the Science Center, which, in case you didn't know, is basically a big indoor playground for science with no structure whatsoever. It took threatening no more field trips EVER to get the Criminals to stay together.

Everyone SAID he wanted to see the first demonstration lecture. "Are you SURE?" said Miss Victoria, "it's a dissection." "YES!" shouted the Criminal Element, "LET'S GO!"

"Do you even know what a dissection is?"

"LET'S GO LET'S GO MISS VICTORIA!!!!" (much tugging and pulling towards benches in front of table with some cool instruments and a big light and some whizzy optical illusion stuff on it).

"Well....oooookaaaaaay..."

Guy comes out. Guy sits down. Guy opens cabinet under table. Guy nonchalantly whips out bucket of eyeballs.

Criminals scream "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Guy grins at Miss Victoria. Miss Victoria smiles and nods thinking "yeah you go ahead, Guy, you think that's all they're gonna do?"

Criminals start screaming HEY MISTER WHAT'S THAT WHAT YOU GOT THERE IS IT DEAD CAN WE EAT IT WHAT'S THAT THING WHAT'S A SCALPEL LEMME SEE IT THAT'S OKAY I WON'T CUT MYSELF.

Guy begins to look at little desperate.Miss Victoria smiles serenely.HEY WHAT'S YOUR NAME HEY JAKE CAN I HAVE ONE OF THEM EYEBALLS EEEEEEEEUUUUUUUWWWWWWWWW IT SMELLS IT'S MAKIN' A CRUNCHY NOISE JAKE HOW COME YOU'RE CUTTIN' IT UP WHERE'S THE REST OF THE COW???????

Miss Victoria smiles serenely.

We got through about another five minutes, all the way, in fact, to the iris, before Miss Victoria took pity, yelled "CAPTAIN!" and got her chicks into line. We went upstairs to check out the Science of Sports exhibit, which the Criminals also enjoyed. They also enjoyed the library, the space exhibit, and the lunch. Then they enjoyed marching to the bus. Then they enjoyed sitting on the bus for 20 minutes waiting for the stupid idiot teacher who coordinates the field trip to get off her ass and on to the bus (I had to go yell at her - she was chatting with the security guards indoors while we waited for her). They enjoyed it when one of the Criminals thought it would be a good idea to start up a rousing rendition of "Kiss your Brain!" - a song Miss Victoria sings with them every morning. Then they all fell asleep. Except for Miss Victoria. Miss Victoria, no joke, called her Mommy. Miss Victoria needed to hear that it would be all right as soon as Miss Victoria got home to soak in a tub full of Calgon.

It was. At least until 8:30 the next morning when it was time for our trip to THE POLAR EXPRESS. Miss Victoria can't recall what happened on that trip - at least not until she's had a weekend to recover.

Follow the Drinking Gourd (2003)

2009-09-21T19:57:00.003-04:00

So it's been a tough month with the Criminals. After last week’s series of lessons on a book called Follow the Drinking Gourd to introduce the concept of slavery to the first grade, I was faced this week with attempting to figure out if the group could see where I was going when I started off the week with Paul Laurence Dunbar’s small poetic masterpiece called “Sympathy.” I know that at the end of this unit on African American poets, I want the children to understand the progression of the black experience in America. What I didn’t know, however, could fill several pages. I didn’t know if I had the talent to teach it well enough for the class to understand. I didn’t know if the children were even able to understand at this age. And I certainly didn’t know how to tell if they understood.

So we sat on the rug on Monday morning and reviewed some vocabulary words they might not know. I didn’t say a word about last week’s book. I didn’t tell them anything about Dunbar other than his name. I explained that I didn’t have a book with pictures today, said that we might think about doing our own illustrations and making a book, pointed out those key unknown words, and launched into a reading of the last stanza of the poem.

I know why the caged bird sings, ah me,
When his wing is bruised and his bosom sore--
When he beats his bars and he would be free;
It is not a carol of joy or glee,
But a plea he sends from his heart’s deep core,
But a prayer that upward to Heaven he flings--
I know why the caged bird sings!

I finished reading, and Diana’s hand shot up. I called on her, sighing inwardly as I waited for her inevitable request to go to the bathroom.

“Miss Victoria, that’s like Follow the Drinking Gourd.”

Teacher sat, nodding dumbly for a few moments in stunned silence, then said shakily, “Yes….yes Diana…I think you’re right, I think it is like Follow the Drinking Gourd.” I watched almost the entire rest of the class nod in agreement with Diana. If I had had my wits about me, I would have immediately assessed further by simply asking, “Why?” I didn’t think of that until a few hours later. The next day, we headed back to the rug for a second look at the poem. I reviewed vocabulary and re-read the text, the class starting to chime in on the more familiar lines. I got to ask what I had slipped up on the day before. “Diana said something very interesting yesterday, she said this poem reminded her of Follow the Drinking Gourd, and some of you said you thought so too. Why do you think that?”

Hands waved in the air. “The slaves wanted to be free just like the bird wants to be free.”

“They didn’t want to die in a cage neither.”

“Their hearts was hurting like the bird’s heart was broken.”

I picked up a piece of paper I had been holding in my plan book and read aloud to them. “Paul Laurence Dunbar was born in 1872. His parents were Matilda and Joshua Dunbar, escaped slaves.”

“Ooooooooh!” said the class as I turned the page around and showed them his picture.“Why did he feel sympathy for the bird?”“He knew, Miss Victoria, he knew how the bird felt in that cage!” Beyond my wildest dreams, they understood. We brainstormed a list of the different illustrations we could make for our book, and the class clamored to have the first turn at the painting table during our center time. One student wanted to paint the bird in the cage, another a man in a cage. One wanted to paint praying hands and a cross, one a solitary wing with a bruised side.

The government (what did you learn in school today, dear little boy of mine) wants me to prove that I'm a good teacher via portfolios of student work. Produce, produce, produce. I don’t know if it’s possible to prove with a piece of paper what happened in my room this week. How do you get down on paper, as a teacher, “This week the first grade explored the existence of symbolic meaning in literature and tackled the concept of the pain and suffering of one as an example for the ages?” Assess THAT, President Bush.

God Bless Us, Every One. (2003)

2009-09-21T19:53:00.003-04:00

Well we had ourselves quite a time, I tell you, the Criminals and I.

We entered our classroom on the morning before Christmas break to find a mountain of presents had mysteriously appeared overnight, along with festive decorations which included a lot of glitter and shiny things. In case you have forgotten being six, nothing competes with glitter and shiny things. When you are six, you also don't notice the dark circles under Miss Victoria's eyes which appear when she stays until 7:00 PM sneakily decorating the room after all the criminals have gone home at 5:00. Good thing, because if you did notice, Miss Victoria's game would be up.This wonderland of presents produced the very satisfactory reaction of curtailing too much misbehavior because of over-excitement all day. What if you did something bad at the last hour and Santa Claus swooped in to retrieve his gifts? You can bet your ass Miss Victoria wondered that aloud...very aloud.

We did some reading, did some math, watched the Peanuts' Christmas and The Lion King, had some doritos and soda (oh yes indeed, it was a banner day, even the caffeine and sugar didn't make them lose it) and then we were told to get our coats and go quietly to the rug to receive our packages. You can also bet your ass we were extremely quiet.

Teacher: Now I don't know what's in these packages, so don't ask me. The Elves dropped them off while I wasn't here, so I couldn't ask them. However they left instructions that NO ONE is to open his package until CHRISTMAS DAY. Except for Muhammad. He's allowed because his holiday is already happening.

Criminals: (glaring at Muhammad)

Muhammad: (grins at everyone) ha!

Teacher: Here we go. (distributes packages to a silent, awestruck audience)

Darriel: I bet this is a book.

Kelsey: (urgent whisper) Darriel! You are not supposed to guess!

Teacher: Okay everyone got his stuff? Let's line up to go home.

Class walks quietly to the door. Class walks quietly through the halls. Class goes outside to see parents waiting.

Class:EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYDADDYMOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (turns, runs back to throw arms around Miss Victoria) Merry Christmas, Miss Victoria!

Teacher: (to self) Happy Holidays, and someone get me a drink.

A Criminals' Christmas Carol (2003)

2009-09-21T19:45:00.005-04:00

So earlier this week one of my criminals, a serious academic named Jessica who looks like she should be in a Renaissance painting of a Spanish Infanta, informed me that, "Santa Claus isn't real." The rest of the class looked shocked and appalled, and Miss Victoria went right along with that. Miss Victoria is of the opinion that her children are growing up too fast, and she will use any method necessary to insure they get just a little bit more time in the land of childhood.

"Don't be ridiculous! Of course he's real!"

Class looked slightly relieved.

I figured I'd better back it up with some actual proof, so my entire Thursday afternoon was devoted to creating, if I may toot my own horn, a masterpiece epistle with the aid of red construction paper, silver and gold pens, and silver and gold glitter. The text was as follows:

Dear Class X-XXX (room number):

We have a very important message from Santa Claus. He has too many presents to carry. He has to leave some with Miss Victoria. You must come to school on Tuesday to get yours.
Signed,The Elves

Santa Claus written entirely in gold glitter, The Elves in silver glitter. I completed the package with a tiny red and green felt bootie, stuck together with my trusty hot glue gun.

Now, Miss Victoria is no dope, and neither are the Criminals. I couldn't just stick the thing up on the door and expect them to believe that the Elves had been by to drop off the mail. No no. I had to let one of the school aides in on the plan. At the end of our math lesson, while the door was closed, the note came sliding under the door. I said sternly, "Yusmery! Pick up your things! Don't leave paper on the floor!" and pointed to the note. She picked it up and said, "No! Me no leave this here!" (she's an ELL student, still has Spanish sentence construction). I took it from her and read it silently, ran to the door and opened the door - Lo! how a bootie e'er blooming - picked it up and shut the door with a bang. Everyone stopped and looked up. "Oh my goodness, sit down, Miss Victoria has to read this to you immediately!" I sounded so serious that they all scrambled to their seats.

I read the note, and as I get to the words, "Santa Claus" a gasp runs through the audience, er, I mean class. They are hanging off their seats, glued to my every word, and then as I finish I turn the note around and they see the glitter and etc. They are almost fainting at this point, but when I say, "and look, the elf was in such a hurry, he left his shoe," they are finished. They rush me, climbing over me with cries of, "Let me see! Read it again! Show us the shoe!"The shoe is snatched from my hands and smelled intensely. The cry goes round - "Eeeewwww I smell elf feet!" It is passed from hand to hand, all declaring the same result - the smell of elf feet is present. Javier runs to the door, opens it, looks out, slams it shut, leans against it and yells, "Miss Victoria! I saw the elf!"

Gone is any sign of a non-believer. Jessica is smelling elf feet with the rest of them. I get them calmed down enough to line up and go to the bathroom, and Luis comes back from the boys' room to report, "Miss Victoria, I saw an elf in the bathroom!" I didn't ask what the elf was doing.
We then sat down for our afternoon journal session. Imagine my shock when every single story is about an elf showing up in our classroom. I pinned the bootie up on the bulletin board, "in case the elf comes back for it," and will replace it with a bag of red and green hershey kisses on Monday morning.

Oddly enough, the last thing I heard every child say to his parent as he was picked up from school was...

"I have to come to school on Tuesday!!"

Hey Rocky...(2003)

2009-09-21T19:35:00.000-04:00

So I'm standing with my criminals today waiting for their parents to come and get them, and Penelope (she's five, her birthday is not till December) runs up and complains.

"Miss Victoria, that squirrel told me I am stupid!"

I said (naturally) "How do you know?"

She stated quite simply..."I speak squirrel."

And I thought I was good because I could speak some Russian and Czech. How will I know when a squirrel is insulting me?

Mind Your Manners (2003)

2009-09-21T19:29:00.001-04:00

So today the entire first grade at my school (nine classes) went on a field trip to see "Jack Frost," which was about the lamest piece of crap I have ever seen in my life. Picture those horrible shows we've all done for education and outreach, only with talentless "professionals" in their mid-thirties as the "kids" from Brooklyn. It was like a bad joke - the Jew and the Muslim and the Catholic dancing around on stage singing about how wonderful the holidays are and isn't it nice to be multicultural (sha la la).

Now, before we left, Miss Victoria and the Criminals had a Very Serious Talk about How We Behave at the Theater. Never ever ever going on another field trip ever ever ever again was mentioned. Twice. A lot of nodding and "Yes, Miss Victoria," dutifully intoned.Directly before we went IN to the theater, it went something like this:

Miss Victoria: Our mouths are...

Criminals: CLOSED!

Miss Victoria: Our ears are...

Criminals: OPENED!

and in we went.

I was never ever ever so proud of them as I was today. They did not talk. They did not kick the seats in front of them. They did not pull each others' hair. They sat and politely watched this piece of drivel as if they were Little Lord Fauntleroy and Polly Anna. The children around them screamed and walked around in the aisles and loudly said "I WANNA GO HOOOOOMMMME!!!" and my babies looked up at me with wide eyes and nodded silently: THEY knew the score.

Then our bus never came to pick us up. They stood out in the cold (the bus field was nowhere near a building) and waited for this asshole to show up for half an hour and did not act up. They squished four classes to a bus and quietly rode home. They ate their lunch and cleaned up after themselves.

We sat down to do some journaling.I told them I wanted to hear what they thought about "Jack Frost." They were to write down their thoughts about it, remembering not to worry if they couldn't spell a word - just circle it and keep writing, we'd come back to edit later. "Pencils up....GO!" and away they went.

So then we're sitting on the rug with our rough drafts, getting ready to edit them so we can write our final versions on the paper shaped like a snowman, and we're working out all those words we circled. "Show. Shhh shhhh...who remembers what those two letters are that make that sound?" "Oh yeah! S H!"I don't spell words for them. We work it out together, we check our First Grade Fast Words Wall, we look in our word bags. But then, Darriel raises his hand, looking tentative. All my kids are so polite really. They think it's bad manners to say something stinks. He says..."Miss Victoria? Um...how do you spell...(pause)...boring?"

I snort and say..."B-O-R-I-N-G!"

Every head in the class bends over its paper and starts writing. Does this group have good taste, or what?

Talk of the Town (2003)

2009-09-20T19:55:00.001-04:00

So the other day I was sitting on the rug with the criminals, reading them K.Y. Craft's gorgeously illustrated version of "Cinderella," when I hear a scream from the back of the rug."MISS VICTORIA, MISS VICTORIA!!!!!" Everyone is pointing at Brian, who is holding his bloody tooth up to me with an expression on his face which pricelessly illustrates his thoughts ("WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!"). The blood causes minor mayhem, but I dispatch him to the nurse with a friend, stick his tooth in my pocket until I can dig out a plastic baggie, and sit down to continue the story.

On a whim, I hold the book and ask the class, "Is the Tooth Fairy the same as the Fairy Godmother?"

You would have thought I had asked if chocolate ice cream was the same as vanilla. The looks of scorn! The disbelief!

Class: NO!

Me: No? Well, how are they different?

Kelsey: The Tooth Fairy could only give you money! (whereas the Fairy Godmother has got stuff like ballgowns and coaches to hand out)

Me: Well, but they both can do magic, right?

Class: Yes!

Me: Are they both ladies?

Class: (pausing to look sorrowfully at dumb Miss Victoria) Yes!

Me: Well are there boy fairies? (spare me, they don't get double entendre)

Class: (pausing to look sorrowfully at dumb Miss Victoria) No!

Me: Well what are boys if they can do magic?

Darriel: (soberly) a doctor....(he thinks a minute)...or a witch.

Me: Well...but how is a witch different from a fairy?

Destiny: (pausing to look sorrowfully at dumb Miss Victoria) A witch have a broom, and a fairy don't!

Glad we got that sorted out. Boy was I confused.

Happy New Year

2009-09-20T19:54:00.002-04:00

And with a new school year underway in tandem with 5770 Rosh Hashanah, the voice...or er...voices...inside my head are all becoming more insistent. They're all droning in monotone...victoria...start a blog...post those stories online...everyone's been telling you to do it.

So, here I am - teaching second grade in, for purposes of identification, a Very Large City - all ready to expose the sordid underbelly of the profession. We could start with the individual, for instance, who brought a live starfish to school last week and secreted it in his desk. By the next day, of course, it was a very dead starfish. There was, shall we say, a noxious aroma pervading the hallway. Note to self: more lessons on Ocean Life.

Some of these stories are from my first year of teaching (always an "interesting" time), some from later years. The already-written ones are posted here randomly. Everything else will be more cohesive.

Obviously, it's Sunday night - prime procrastination time. However, since I've already produced the assignment sheet of spelling words for this week and made lunches for the week for both myself and the junior member of my household (a long-suffering seventh grader who occasionally has reason to regret being the child of a teacher), I feel secure that I can finish everything else before bedtime. I'm probably gravely mistaken. Good thing first period Monday morning is my prep. This way I can post a few of those old stories and not leave this post as a lonely first entry.

Happy reading, Happy New Year.